“Why Did He Ask To Delete My Number?”

Dear Lorraine,

I met a guy a year ago. We dated weekly for 2 months. Our dates were fun and passionate.

Then after that he started asking me out on dates every couple weeks or so for the next 4 months. The dates were still very passionate and so much fun.

One day he started to invite me over to his place without taking me out on dates. This happened a few times and so I decided to tell him that I wasn’t interested in casual sex. He responded, “That’s too bad. It’s the best kind.”
I was sad and hurt because I had now developed feelings for him. I wasn’t even sure how our dating switched to casual sex.

After a few weeks, I started to miss him and I texted him to say hello. He responded immediately and we texted for a few days. And we got together again a couple times.
All I felt was a moment of amazing pleasure with a man I liked but was left with sadness after. I finally told him that I had something to say to him…
Me: “I don’t want to do this anymore purely sexual relationship. I’ve never been involved in one and it’s not what I’m looking for”.
Him: “I can understand. Thanks for being honest. I think you’re an amazing woman. Hope you find what you need”.
Me: “thank you”
Him: “I think it’s best that I delete your number so I won’t get tempted to contact you, ok”.”
Me: “ok. It’s too bad we can’t stay friends.”
Him: “I’ll always be your friend but I know when I get horny, I will try and hook up with you and I don’t want to do that if it upsets you.”
I didn’t respond after that. I didn’t know what to say. I was so sad even though I knew that is what he wanted.
I just don’t know why he had to ask me if it was ok to delete my number or even say what he did?
I wish I could have responded differently but I can’t change what has happened. Please give me your advice. I just want some clarification and hope this helps me move on.
Thank you.

Edna

Dear Edna,
First of all, I want to applaud you for taking the initiative to attain a better understanding of the male psyche and starting down the path of taking control of your love life. I realize that it isn’t easy to reach out for help when it comes to relationships.
Now about your question, “why did he ask me if it was ok to delete my number? Couldn’t he just do it without having to ask?”

Think about this for a moment. What if a man were to come up to you and say “Hey, I find you really attractive and I just want to have casual sex with you at my convenience.” Let’s be honest. Men who are just looking for “a good time” realize that they can’t just come up to most women and announce their real motivation for wanting to date them.

They know they wouldn’t get very far approaching most women this way. This is why some men are less than forth coming about their true intention when just looking for casual sex.

So in the beginning, he may take you on a few “legitimate” dates and may even go so far as to infer that he is entertaining the possibility of something long term, knowing from the very beginning all he wants is a casual “roll in the hay”

Based upon your email, it appears that he was telling you during your conversations with him and his actions almost from the beginning that he was interested in nothing more than a casual involvement with you. In fact, he was very methodical in his approach. From dating you once a week to twice a month and so forth, then making such off handed comments as “that’s too bad. It’s the best kind.” Stopping the “formal dating” and spending less and less time with you were all indicators that he was interested in nothing more than casual sex.

Here’s the reality, men understand the ramifications of simply dropping a woman “cold turkey” when they are ready to move on. They realize, that saying something to the effect of “Hey, I had a lot of fun and you’re great, but I’m not interested in anything more than sex” probably wouldn’t sit well with most women.

So to avoid the emotional and often unpleasant reaction that often accompanies the prospect of the relationship not turning out the way a woman expected, certain men have learned how to extract themselves from the relationship with the least amount of drama, through the technique of “weaning” themselves from the relationship.

Why did he ask you if it was okay if he deleted your number instead of just removing your number without informing you? Simply put, your confronting him gave him the opportunity to come clean about his true motives for dating you. Once you let him know you wanted something more, that was his queue to detach himself completely from his involvement with you. It allowed him to clear up any misperception on your part that he was interested in anything more. It also allowed him to expedite the process of extracting himself from his involvement with you.

Although it may not feel like it right now, he did you a favor by not continuing to string you along. Whether you realize it or not, there was also a part of you that didn’t want to continue to be strung along either, which is why you confronted him about where you stood in the relationship in the first place. On a subconscious level, you weren’t willing to tolerate being compromised either. Good for you!

The truth is, had you not confronted him and not insisted upon an answer, he probably would have either continued to exploit his involvement with you knowing you wanted more; or he simply may have gone ahead and deleted your number unbeknownst to you, figuring that at some point you would get the message.

His response understandably took you aback. It caught you totally off guard because it wasn’t the answer you were hoping for. You didn’t expect him to be so direct, especially when he seemed to be so into you at the beginning of your relationship.

Which brings us to the heart of the matter. Why is it that so many women don’t anticipate and recognize a man’s true motivation for dating them until it’s too late?
The problem is twofold. First, from a very early age, many of us are programmed to believe that just the way we feel when we are with a guy is all we need to know to determine if he is “the one.” Once we become emotionally attached, we try to build a relationship around intense chemistry, but this is backwards. Understand that mutual chemistry itself is not the best way to determine if an involvement has the potential to turn into a long term relationship. Just because a man is physically attracted to you, doesn’t necessarily mean that he is interested in a more serious relationship with you.

Second, many women simply don’t know what they should do instead to cultivate a more meaningful connection with a man for the purpose of sustaining a long-term relationship. Because many women have no clue about what it really takes to develop a truly committed relationship with a man that will meet their true needs and desires, they often end up resorting to all kinds of unproductive and even destructive behavior in an effort to cultivate a committed relationship with a man.

There’s nothing wrong with men finding women sexually desirable. We want to be desired by men. However, when you’re ready to cultivate a long term relationship with a man, there is a right and wrong way to date.

The key is to recognize a man’s true motivation for wanting to date you before you become too emotionally involved.

Looking back, it’s obvious that this guy had a strategy in place before you and he started dating you. That’s why it is critical women learn an effective strategy for establishing the type of relationship they truly desire. By implementing a process that allows you to date for the purpose of finding your true mate, you will no longer fall victim to men whose intentions are less than sincere or not aligned with yours.

Committed to helping you discover your path to true love,
Lorraine