The High Cost of Performance Anxiety in the Bedroom

It's well known that worry, stress, and anxiety contribute negatively to premature ejaculation. In addition to the degeneration of the feeling of control, when a man is "uptight," his lover will usually perceive it. If she then starts to stress about his anxiety, she is prone to have issues with her own relaxation, arousal, or orgasm. Stress and anxiety in the bedroom is contagious and it is a significant cause of lovers avoiding stressful sexual activities. After all, sex is supposed to be pleasurable and relaxing - not unsatisfying and tense.

A person who believes that sustained sexual activity is the hallmark of sexual success, will most likely begin worrying frantically about his uncontrollable climaxes. The real or imagined pressure to perform both long and well is much more intense if his lover seems to be also expecting exemplary sexual performance. Because of all of this inner turmoil, significant performance anxiety is likely to be generated. With this overwhelming demand to perform well, the man is now preoccupied with his anxiety, and not on his lover's response. He grows more attentive to his anxiety than his satisfaction. Instead of being relaxed and focused on the sensual feelings he and his partner ought to be experiencing, he becomes tense because he intently concentrates on his performance.

In the middle of this intense trepidation, the man could suddenly find out that his performance anxiety has interfered with his erection. Now the issue is not one of ejaculating too early, but instead one of not being able to even start. What began as a concern over early ejaculation has developed into a more general and very powerful concern with failure. This intense fear is one of the major causes of erectile disorders in healthy young men.

This cycle is clear and it is seen regularly in the therapist's office. A man reports that he had experienced a series of quick climaxes. Distress was felt, and maybe, frustration was conveyed by his partner. He reports how he began to think about control, but his worry only contributed to his ejaculation problems. He stressed further and the demand to perform was increased. To his surprise, as his stress amplified the stiffness of his erections diminished.

As a consequence of the mutual disappointment, he felt that he was in very serious trouble and he may have then started to avoid the sexual encounters, stretching them out gradually. When the couple would finally become intimate, a great deal of time had passed and he felt pressured to do it right. The man became a spectator at his own performance. As his concern with failure increases, he finds himself in a no-win scenario. If he can't get an erection he's failed, however if he does achieve one he's likely to climax prematurely, which is also a failure.

If there are difficulties with getting and/or maintaining an erection, and when this is because of high performance anxiety, the erectile problems need to be dealt with prior to starting address the ejaculation problems. You can't focus on how you finish if you are having trouble starting.