It's Not About You (and that's good!)

Often people are moody, cranky, or critical and it can be distressing. When you find that people around you are acting in ways that are difficult keep in mind that it's not about you. I find this quote from The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, to be most helpful: "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you
won't be the victim of needless suffering."

When you find yourself beginning to feel hurt, or angry, or depressed due to the behavior of others, stop. Stop and tell yourself: "This isn't about me. It is about the other person." This thought will center you. What happens is that we often allow the moods of others to knock us off balance. By remembering that it isn't about you, you stabilize yourself. With this thought, a person can be sullen, or they may be out right yelling at you, but you are okay. You know it isn't about you. Now that you are okay, that is, not offended, not hurt, not upset, but calm, you can be a calming and helpful influence on the situation.

If you react to someone's negative emotion, your focus is on you. Your energy is concentrated on protecting yourself. If you know that it isn't about you, then there is no threat; there is nothing to protect. Now you are free to think about the other person. You can acknowledge their distress and offer your concern and help.

Here is an example. The person you are with is quiet, not very responsive. Thoughts go through your mind such as: "He doesn't like me. He is mad at me." One thought leads to another and soon you are either blaming yourself or blaming him for his mood. Instead, you catch yourself thinking these thoughts and remember that it isn't about you. Now that you are centered and clear ( that is, you no longer feel offended by him or worried about you) you inquire: "You seem down. Are you okay?" This doesn't mean that you need to do therapy. Just listen and understand. You need not fix the other person.

Let's say someone is raising their voice at you, criticizing and complaining. Again, remind yourself that this isn't about you. Take a breath and take charge. Ask them to take a seat and explain to you the problem. Listen carefully. Acknowledge their frustration without defensiveness. If you actually did something to cause their distress, then apologize. Do not apologize in order to appease. Apologize only out of true concern for them.

Once the person begins to settle down, you can help them with the issue. Do what you can to be helpful. If you cannot do anything to help, you can at least listen and understand.

When we are reactive to other people's emotions we become their victim. It is really no fun being a victim. While we cannot help our initial automatic reaction of fear, defensiveness, or anger, we can catch ourselves in the act. Once we catch ourselves reacting we can remind ourselves of this truth: "It's not about me!" Our focus then becomes: "How can I help you?" This action can be helpful to the other person, but it is you who will be helped most. Gone will be the stress, the anger, or the hurt, you may have felt had you personalized the interaction. When you blame someone you imprison yourself within walls of negative thoughts and emotion. When you let go of blame, you are free.