Definition: Family and Relationships

Parenting is the process of raising and educating a child from birth until adulthood.

It has recently become a very popular topic due to the necessity of clarifying the process of upbringing a child at home by parents as the opposite to the formal education of a child at school. A teacher-student relationship is different from the parent-child relationship. Therefore a parent's methods of educating a child must be different from a teacher's. At school teachers give a child general literacy and scientific knowledge; at home parents give a child general wisdom of life as parents themselves understand it.

The term "parenting" is a derivative of the word "parent" taken as a verb. When people say "to parent" a child it means "to be a parent," or "to fulfill parental duties." Since everyone who has a child has to parent he or she has their own view on what their parental duties are. Generally, the majority of parents admit that those duties are to provide for the basic needs of a child - the child's need for security and development. This implies security and development of a child's body, mind and psyche. In other words, it is physical, intellectual, and emotional security and development.

Parenting is usually done in a child's family by the mother and/or father (i.e., the biological parents). When parents are unable or unwilling to provide this care, it is usually undertaken by close relatives, such as older siblings, aunts and uncles, or grandparents. In other cases, children may be cared for by adoptive parents, foster parents, godparents, or in institutions (such as group homes or orphanages). There are also circumstances, such as on a kibbutz, where parenting is an occupation even when biological parents exist. Parens patriae refers to the public policy power of the state to usurp the rights of the natural parent, legal guardian or informal caregiver, and to act as the parent of any child or individual who is in need of protection (i.e. if the child's caregiver is exceedingly violent or dangerous).

Conventional models of parenting

* "Rules of traffic" model

It is an instructional approach to upbringing. Parents explain to their children how to behave, assuming that they taught the rules of behavior as they did the rules of traffic. What you try to teach a child doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll get through to them. For example, a teenager was told "a thousand times" that stealing was wrong yet the teen continued to do so. The problem of parenting, in this case, is not that they tried to teach him/her the right thing, but that they considered parenting as a single, narrow minded method of parenting, without fulfilling the range of parental duties.

* "Fine gardening" model

Parents believe that children have positive and negative qualities, the latter of which parents should "weed out" or "prune" into an appropriate shape. The problem in this parenting method is that parents fight with the faults of their child rather than appreciate their current achievements and/or capabilities; a method which may continue through their whole life without success.

"The models “rules of traffic” and “fine gardening” are especially dangerous because we, following our best motives, constantly quarrel with our children, destroy relationships, and all our parental work becomes a hopeless effort. Moreover, we don’t understand why this has happened." S.Soloveychik, [1]

* "Reward and punishment" model

"RaP" is a most popular model of parenting based on logic: for a good action - a reward/praise and for a bad action - a punishment/scolding/reprimand. To teach a child by this logic is relatively easy and can even be effective, especially if it is done consistently. It is because it forms a sense of justice in a child's mind that it works. But, simultaneously, it imparts the child's universal image of the reward and punishment and when real life doesn't prove to be just it undermines the child's faith in justice, according to S.Soloveychik. He writes "It is dangerous for the future of children. It may happen that a man, grown up by this model, facing the first serious failure or first trouble, would lift his arms and ask, “Why me?”

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