Communicating Your True Self

When I get ready to talk to people, I spend two thirds of the time thinking what they want to hear and one third thinking about what I want to say. - Abraham Lincoln

Communication is more than an exchange of words, symbols, or body language. It is an exchange of emotional energy.

There are many reasons to communicate with people. You are either communicating to lead, to influence, to learn, or to build relationships. In order to communicate your message effectively you must know your purpose in the communication. In addition, no matter why you are communicating, you must know how to listen, hear, and decode what other people are communicating.

The verbal and physical cues of communication are much easier to master than the energetic cues. In a marriage we learn the simple act of restating issues as "I" statements instead of "you" statements. In college we learn to take "I" out of it and communicate in third person. In business we learn to create active statements instead of passive. It can get very confusing.

However, in all cases the trick is to know who you are communicating with, and why. The energetic cues you receive and send are more automatic and hidden in the deep recesses of our emotional memories kind of like electricity. You are either plugged in or not plugged in to another.

Knowing your true purpose is paramount to getting across the message and energy you intend to convey. If you do not know your "why" you will not be able to explain it, no matter which audience you are communicating with, nor will you be able to transmit the energy authentically.

As a leader it is your job to make sure that you notice signs of distortion of your message, and signs that you have distorted someones message. It goes both ways. All of us are capable of hearing what we want to hear instead of what someone is trying to convey. We are also capable of feeling what we want to feel regardless of what another feels. When we can bridge the words, symbols, and body language with the emotional energy of another or an entire audience we are using empathetic communication.

When communicating one on one, repeat what you heard, and have the listener repeat what they heard and how that made them feel. When leading a group, it is helpful to have the group participate in an activity that shows they heard the message you intended them to hear. Watch for cues of understanding or confusion.

If you are paying attention you can adjust your message or listening style in each situation. In both cases, try to be as succinct as possible when you deliver your message. Having too much information can cause information overload making the listener shut down. If you are the receiver practice active listening and do not allow yourself to space off even if the sender is too long winded.

And remember what Ernest Hemingway said, "When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen." I might add, when people talk both listen and feel completely the message and energy they convey.

With a little care, you can become a great communicator, capable of allowing the world to know your true self.