Understanding and Growing Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is a phrase that has come to mean a lot of different things. In some ways self-esteem is a self descriptive phrase, but it has also become a controversial concept with many different meanings. We know self-esteem is important to have, but have also been taught that it’s possible to have too much self-esteem. There are also many derivatives of self-esteem we talk about that may confuse us when we try to define self esteem; things like self-confidence, self-worth, self-assurance, self-love, self-acceptance, self-assertiveness, and self-responsibility.

"To trust one's mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem."- Nathaniel Branden

For our purposes we will define self- esteem using three of my favorite definitions I learned from reading Nathaniel Branden:

- Self-esteem is the health of the mind.

- Self-esteem is the immune system of consciousness.

- Self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves.

Just like the health of the body is a consequence or effect of many inter-related causes, so it is with self-esteem. If we wish to increase our health, we can only do so by working on it indirectly- by working on our diet, our exercise, our mindset, our environment. So it is with self-esteem. If we wish to increase our self-esteem, we can only do so by working on it indirectly- by working on those things that contribute to it.

Just like a body with a weak immune system is subject to the many germs in the environment and suffers from the effects of disease on a more frequent and more severe level than a body with a strong immune system, so a person with low self-esteem is subject to the “germs” of consciousness such as doubt, discouragement, judgment, avoidance, denial, and addictions and suffers from their effects on a more frequent basis and a more severe level than someone with a healthy self-esteem.

As for the reputation analogy, to have a reputation with ourselves implies that there are different aspects to us- there is the part of us that thinks, feels, and behaves, and there is the part of us that “witnesses” or “judges” the thoughts, feelings and behavior. This is essentially true- there is the ego and there is the Spirit or Soul. You might also think of it as the “self” (small s) and the “Self” (capital S). The Self is the true self- it is “God Within”, our divine nature and potential, our inherent immortal being- that which existed prior to our birth and will exist after our death. The self is the physical or surface level manifestation that is temporary in nature. It is the physical body, its world is the five senses and the emotions, thoughts and beliefs that flow through it. Both self and Self are important parts of who we are. But for this analogy, self-esteem can be seen as the reputation the self has with the Self.

Without a healthy self-esteem as a foundation, work done in any other areas of personal or spiritual growth will ultimately not last. If self-esteem is too week, there won’t even be the basic motivation to try to improve or evolve at all. If we don’t feel basically worthy and deserving of happiness and growth, no matter what we do, we will manage to self-sabotage ourselves so that our external reality matches our internal reality of what we believe we deserve. Just like we don’t have to be in tip-top physical shape to begin a program of exercise, we don’t have to have super healthy self-esteem to begin a program of personal or spiritual growth.

The Two Major Parts of Self-Esteem

There are two major parts to self-esteem:

1) Self-Worth: feeling worthy to be happy

2) Self-Confidence: feeling confident in our ability to think, cope and adapt to life’s challenges

We’ll cover each of these two major parts in their own article- because they are deserving of a more complete understanding. But we can see that both sides are important- we must feel both worthy and able to function in this life and to find happiness and meaning. They are two sides of the same coin. Without feeling worthy, no matter how able we may think we are, we will self-sabotage our progress. Without feeling able, no matter how worthy we feel, we will procrastinate and avoid required action to bring about our growth and we will feel overwhelmed by life and “stuck” as we watch life pass us by. As we increase our perception of our worth, we also increase our perception of our ability and as we increase our ability by taking on challenges and overcoming them, we also increase our perception of our worth. So the two sides act as either a virtuous cycle of upward momentum into spiritual and personal growth or a vicious cycle of downward spiral into depression and stagnation. Just know that no matter what direction you happen to be spinning at this time, you can turn it around- which is good and bad news I suppose. But that’s life.

Eight Practices for Improving Self-Esteem

There are also several important life “practices” that contribute to a healthy self-esteem. I use the word “practice” often because it’s such a great word to describe a process of working on some skill consistently, over time- like practicing the piano or the cello. It isn’t something we just decide to do and we’re done. Like practicing the piano, we start where we’re at and little by little increase our proficiency and artistry by practicing. We make lots of mistakes, but we don’t give up or feel embarrassed- we just try again with no anger or shame or even expectation of perfection because- it’s just practicing. Some days of practicing we make great progress, followed by days of seeming setbacks, and most days seem like routine without much of a noticeable change at all. But over time, every moment spent practicing contributes to the overall level of proficiency and artistry that can manifest through us. I like to think of all of life as practicing- we’re practicing to be good human beings, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, friends, business people, citizens, etc. So- here are the practices that contribute to a healthy self-esteem:

1) The practice of living consciously

2) The practice of self-acceptance

3) The practice of self-responsibility

4) The practice of self-assertiveness

5) The practice of living purposefully

6) The practice of living compassionately

7) The practice of living with integrity

8) The practice of living selflessly

Each of these practices is worthy of their own article, and in due time it will be done.

Is Self-Esteem a Natural Birthright?

Some well meaning people in your life may have tried to teach you that self-esteem is a birthright, something we have only to claim by repeating affirmations or mantras. Others may believe that self-esteem is a gift that parents or others give children by telling them how much they are loved and affirming how great they are. These beliefs are based on half truths, and as such are non-productive.

While it is true that we all have inherent worth and unlimited potential as children of God, that potential must be brought forth from the realm of unrealized potential to the realm of actual reality through individual choices. While it is true that parents and others can have an impact on a child’s self-esteem, self-esteem cannot ultimately be given to you by anyone but your Self- it must be earned and maintained through individual choices. Just as the health of the body requires the building blocks of health- good inputs and habits in the form of nutrition and exercise, so the health of the mind (self-esteem) requires the basic building blocks outlined above. The right use of consciousness is not hard-wired in to us, it does not come automatically. Rather there are conflicting tendencies of selfishness (from the self) and selflessness (from the Self) and the ever present element of individual choice connected with individual responsibility.

I see both a healthy body and a healthy mind as major life-long accomplishments against the ever present forces of entropy (dis-order). But just like it is harder to get from being out of shape to being in shape than it is to maintain being in shape, so it is harder to get from low self-esteem to high self-esteem than it is to maintain high self-esteem. This is the basic principle of inertia. It’s interesting how the basic laws of physics apply to both the body and mind as well as to our physical universe. As we’ll see throughout our entire journey of spiritual and personal growth, the underlying principles that govern the natural world also govern the world of our own bodies and minds. They are not just similar or applicable, they are one and the same.

What Does Healthy Self-Esteem Look Like?

Can you see self-esteem? Yes you can. Just as you can see whether a body is basically healthy or basically sick by looking at it for signs of health or sickness that manifest themselves in the physical form, so you can see whether a person’s self-esteem is basically healthy or basically sick by looking at the physical manifestations of self-esteem.

The following table summarizes some of the visible characteristics or external expressions of healthy self-esteem and unhealthy self-esteem:

- Healthy Self-Esteem
- Unhealthy Self-Esteem

-Eyes are alert, bright and focused. A face that is relaxed and has good skin tone, a relaxed jaw and neck.
-Eyes are cloudy and darting. Face, jaw and neck are tense.

- Good posture, stands erect, eyes looking forward. Looks people in the eyes with ease. Ease of movement and spontaneity reflecting that there is peace rather than war going on inside.
- Poor posture- slumping, hunching. Head and eyes downcast. Avoids direct eye contact, voice is timid. Awkward, stiff movement.

- Relaxed and graceful walking gate, purposeful, but not hurried or overbearing or halting or dragging.
- Tense and stiff. Hurried and frazzled. Overbearing and aggressive walking gate or slouching, halting, timid walking gate.

- Ease of talking of both accomplishments and shortcomings with directness and honesty because the self-esteem is independent of either.
- Boasting, comparing oneself to others- either positively or negatively. Self-esteem is dependent upon how one “stacks up” against others.

- Comfortable both giving and receiving praise or appreciation. Doesn’t criticize or demean others or self.
- Uncomfortable giving or receiving praise or appreciation. Overly self-critical or critical and demeaning of others.

- Open to receiving criticism and feedback- actively seeks feedback and acknowledges and fixes mistakes. Self-esteem is not tied to an image of being perfect or even excellent.
- Avoids whenever possible getting feedback from others, resents feedback or criticism when it does happen. Seeks to hide or deny mistakes and blame others for results that are different than desired. Self-esteem is tied to self-image of perfectionism or to what we think others think of us.

- Open to and curious about new ideas, experiences and possibilities. Flexible as to how things should be. Doesn’t get upset when things go differently than planned.
- Closed and inflexible to new ideas, experiences and possibilities. Gets upset when things don’t go as planned.

- Language uses positive words of gratitude for the past, peace in the present and confidence in the future. Even in conditions of stress, there is a sense of dignity and harmony language and confidence that all will work out for the best.
- Language uses words of regret and resentment for the past, exhaustion and intimidation in the present and fear and anxiety for the future. In stressful conditions the “woe is me” comes out in language.

- Speaks in terms of experiencing joy and happiness. Seeks self-expression and is driven by joy.
- Speaks in terms of avoiding suffering or pain. Seeks self-avoidance is driven by fear.

- Doesn’t avoid facing up to weaknesses or mistakes. Not concerned with self-justification. “I am the problem, therefore I am the solution.”
- Avoids facing up to weaknesses or mistakes, seeks self-justification. “It’s not me that’s the problem, it’s _______”.

You may have noticed a pattern in the above table. Healthy self-esteem is centered, grounded, very much the “middle road” whereas unhealthy self-esteem can manifest itself in either the manic or the depressive state depending upon the individual or the circumstances. On the depressive side, low self-esteem shows up in expressions of timidity, shyness, self-demeaning talk and a “stuck” state of little action. On the manic side, low self-esteem shows up in aggressiveness, in competitiveness, in being overbearing, bossy and controlling- things that on the surface might be mistaken as signs of high self-esteem or high self-image, but are really signs of an unhealthy mind (low self-esteem).

Can You Have Too Much Self-Esteem?

I don’t believe so. It would be like asking “can you have too much good health?” You can have too much ego dominance of Spirit or self dominance of Self- but as we’ve already explained, that is actually a symptom of too little self-esteem, not too much. If we understand self-esteem to be the health of the mind, we see that health is all about proper balance- about being centered, grounded, properly functioning and in harmony. Extremes on either side are unhealthy.

People with high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves look better than others and they don’t measure themselves against others. Their joy is in being who they are, not in being better than someone else. They listen first and when they speak it is with compassion and encouragement.

Just Do It Today!

It’s my aim to have every article I write conclude with some action you can take today to put the principles discussed in the article to practice in your life. Otherwise, it’s just another article that doesn’t really change much if anything for you and that would be a waste of both your and my time and effort.

So today, take a few moments to review the table of what healthy self-esteem looks like, only this time, be compassionately honest with yourself. Have your Self be the coach of your self. Ask your self the following questions:

- “Based on the principles outlined in this table, on a scale of 1-100, how healthy is my self-esteem right now?”

- “How do I exhibit signs of unhealthy self-esteem in my life? Do I tend more toward the manic or the depressive?”

- “Am I willing to take up daily practices that will improve the health of my self-esteem?

The goal here is awareness, not perfection or solving all our problems- just being more aware of how unhealthy self-esteem tends to show up in our lives- so we can see it when it’s happening instead of being blind to it. This awareness is a critical first step, because we can’t improve what we don’t think needs improving. On the other hand, we might be all too aware of our unhealthy self-esteem. If that is the case, the goal is not to let the self demean and belittle itself even more, but to accept what is now and know that it doesn’t have to stay that way and by taking on the various practices that contribute to healthy self-esteem, we can and will improve our self-esteem.

For me, when my self-esteem gets "sick"- when the health of my mind deteriorates, I tend more towards the depressive side. I compare myself negatively to others I think are accomplishing more than I am. I see people my age or younger that I percieve have more of something than I do and I can start getting down on myself. When I do receive praise, I tend to diminish it or not acknowledge it as real. "No, really, it's not all that, I'm just an amateur." I also tend to avoid seeking feedback from others, or confronting issues head on.

Everyone is a little different, and we all have work to do to improve the health of our mind. Again, the important thing at this stage is to become more aware, more conscious of how we exhbit syptoms of "sick" self-esteem. Then we can notice it when it's happening and take a step back and watch it happen- seeing it for what it is. From this position of increased detachment, or increased witnessing, we can begin to do something about it, instead of just blindly reacting and not being aware of what's really going on.