Will The Real YOU Please Stand Up?

If I asked who you are how would you answer?

Would you say; I am a stay at home mother, I am a real estate agent, I am a banker, I am a doctor, I am a massage therapist, wife, retired or “whatever”? Is that who you really are or is it the role you are currently playing? How many roles have you played in your life and how many more do you think you might play?
Have you noticed that this is the customary question at gatherings? I am guilty of it myself. We have become accustomed to asking or identifying what we do when we meet someone new. We may think of it as a means of finding common interest to talk about but in reality it’s a label, it’s the tag line attached to our name. Once we have heard the label doesn’t it predetermined how we feel about this person to some degree? Don’t we automatically have some pre conceptions about the person based on their label such as; educated, white collar, blue collar, interesting, dull, successful or average before we even get to know the person? And if we have these pre conceptions about others based on their “label” do we feel the same way about our own labels? Does this constant statement repeated over and over again make us act and feel differently than who we really are?

The truth is society has trained us to focus on the surface of our lives and to place our value and identity on what we do, how we look and what we have. All of these things can and will change and although they are parts of our lives they are not WHO WE ARE. If we base our identity on these things alone, when they change or disappear we are lost, frightened and empty. We have all heard the extreme but familiar stories that exemplify this. Suicides over financial losses, depressions and self destructive behavior when important relationships end are just a few of the results of looking outside you for love and approval. Truly knowing, understanding and loving yourself for who you are on the inside is the key to attracting positive circumstances, relationships and inner peace to your life and it will anchor you through rough waters when they occur. To truly know yourself you need to spend quality undistracted time with yourself.

In reality I think we all know that we are not spending time on ourselves and that we try to accomplish more than is possible and leave ourselves for later. The logical solution would be to take a look at our schedules and lives and discover where we need to adjust our expenditures of effort and time, to eliminate the unnecessary obligations we take on, learn to say “NO” and presto we create a more balanced life for ourselves! It sounds simple. The problem is, although helpful and enlightening, this tactic doesn’t address the WHY of how we got our priorities so out of balance.

Guilt. Why do we feel guilty when we attempt to make time for us?

Is it possible you are over-identifying with your role? This subject is very near and dear to my heart. When I left the real estate business after 15 years I found myself in quite an unexpected quandary. I had thought I was excited to leave the business and was looking forward to trying something new but instead I found I was filled with uncomfortable feelings that I just couldn’t identify or understand. I read voraciously and took a number of assessments and eventually a very bright light bulb went off. Here is what I’m willing to confess to about the results I found about myself:

1. MY CAREER
I worked 6 days a week, arrived early and stayed late. As if that was not enough, I felt it important to make it clear I would be available for before and after office hour appointments. If I had an outstanding week I was ecstatic and when I hit a slump I was devastated. On the rare occasion when I was forced to take time off I checked in with my assistant twice a day and made it clear I was on call if necessary. Oh, and the best identifier, when I did take time off I absolutely had no clue what to do with myself. Leave town? That was out of the question.
2. MY FAMILY
Well you can imagine the guilt I felt for not having enough time for my family! Any spare time I had was allotted to my daughter and mom. I mean there was always that 7th day and usually I did not have to work after hours. If I was asked to go out to dinner or a function with friends I always made sure there was nothing on the “family agenda”.
3. LIFE PARTNER
Partner, what’s that? I would make time for that after the first phase was sold out, my daughter’s wedding, the birth of my BEAUTIFUL granddaughter, etc. you get the idea, absolutely no time for that.
4. MY BODY
Perhaps this little short story will suffice:
Twenty years ago I had a family portrait done of my daughter, my mom and myself. Needed or not, a serious amount of air brushing occurred and we all looked great! I took that picture down years ago and my mom snatched it for her house. She thought it was such a pretty picture of us all and she couldn’t understand why I wanted to take it down. Recently my mom had some surgery and during one of the nurse’s visits to her house she saw the portrait and asked, “Who are those people in that photograph? One of them looks like Barbara Mandrel.” Ohm, that would be me and, yes, I was standing right there.
When she left I turned to my mom and said, “And that’s why I choose not to hang that picture in my house.”

Had I over identified with my roles? Guilty. How many can you identify with? These parts of our lives are to be experienced, cherished and enjoyed but you are so much more than your career, family, partner or the body you walk around in.

We have the benefit of knowing now what we didn’t know then. By now and certainly in these times we know that:

1. Companies we’ve given so much of ourselves to can go bankrupt. When financial times change companies will downsize without a second thought to your personal well being.
2. Children grow up and often times move away to live their lives and your role will naturally decrease.
3. Relationships change, people divorce and deaths occur and if you do not maintain a strong sense of self these changes can leave you feeling devastated, lost and alone.
4. Struggling to hang on to your youth is a depressing and unrealistic endeavor. A strong sense of self will allow you to move through life’s natural cycles with style, grace and true beauty.

When we attach our identity to these labels aren’t we in reality comparing our status in life to someone else’s as a measure of whether or not we are enough?

STOP COMPARING, STOP COMPARING, AND STOP COMPARING. There is a unique and beautiful individual inside you. Take the time to find her. She knows you and loves you just the way you are and for who you are. Don’t ignore her… embrace her, SPEND TIME WITH HER and find out who she really is. Make time for yourself and perhaps it will jog some memories of your own. You have played many roles. You are not just a realtor, mother, wife or whatever you’ve been in your life, you are so much more.
There is opportunity for real growth as you spend time with yourself and recapture your most important relationship, YOU. It is so easy to become numb and regimented about our lives as the years tick by. There are forgotten treasures within you to be remembered and explored. Find them and discover how unique and special you are.