Amy just got a big promotion at work, and she rushes home to share the news with her partner Larry. She bursts in the door, her body language exuding celebration and excitement, and finds Larry in the basement, running his model railroad layout. Over the chugging and whistling of the train, she shares the big news.
More chugging and whistling.
“Larry, didn’t you hear what I just said? I got the promotion! I’m head of sales now!”
“Uh-huh,” Larry says, not pulling his eyes away from the circling train. “That’s nice.”
“Larry, what are you doing?” Amy screeches, her elation plummeting by the second.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” Larry adjusts his conductor’s hat. “I’m running the 4:42. And could you step aside, babe? You’re blocking the light.”
Let’s peek in on another couple:
Donna races home to tell her husband Alex about how she landed the biggest advertising contract of her career and of the firm itself.
Before she can even tell him the news, Alex reads her unmistakable physical cues, puts down his hot glue gun and rushes to her side.
“I got the Wash’ Wipe account!”
“That’s wonderful, Donna! You worked so hard for this; you deserve it. We have to celebrate. Tell me what you want to do, and I’ll make the plans.” He spins her around the floor.
“Oh, I didn’t mean to take you away from your work, honey,” Donna says.
Alex glances at his work table and waves his hand at the Titanic model in progress. “Ah, that can wait! After all, the real thing sunk ninety-five years ago, right? Now, tell me all the details. Where were you when you found out? And what did you say and….”
Big difference, right? Yes, but before you get your pitching arm ready to hurl things at Larry, let’s remember that we all have the potential for being preoccupied and therefore presenting as curt and rude and uninterested.
On the flip side, we also have the potential for being attentive and thoroughly interested and engaged—for being the partner we really want to be. The first steps in making sure more of your interactions are like Alex’s are awareness and honest self-assessment. Hold onto the knowledge that how you react when your partner shares good news is as important to the health of your relationship as how you react when news is dire.
I’d like to share some interesting research by Shelly L. Gable, Ph.D. about the effects of positive interactions on intimate relationships. This research has implications for everyone in an intimate relationship.
Dr. Gable notes that most of the research on relationships has focused on how couples respond to each other during stressful events. She has turned this research on its head by examining how couples react during positive events, and the impact that these interactions have on the well-being of the relationship.
It’s important for the partner listening to any good news from his/her partner to respond in what Dr. Gable calls an active and constructive manner (rather than responding passively by saying little or showing no enthusiasm). Active and constructive responses build intimacy, trust and relationship satisfaction. The benefits of you being truly supportive when your partner shares positive events last well beyond the moment itself—active, supportive interactions around positive events are also associated with fewer daily conflicts in the relationship overall.
The research found that for men, relationship well-being is strongest when their partners validate their positive experiences. For women, relationship well-being is associated with receiving support for both positive and negative experiences. What does this mean for you? If you’re a woman, it means you should take care to be responsive when your husband or boyfriend shares positive experiences with you. And, for all you men out there, you should pay attention and be responsive when your wives or girlfriends discuss both positive and negative events.
When you respond in a supportive way to positive events in your partner’s life, you are highlighting your partner’s strengths—the qualities that make him/her feel effective and worthwhile. When you affirm your partner’s strengths, you make your partner feel better about himself/herself and the relationship. And those good feelings your partner enjoys when you give of yourself in this way will ultimately make you feel good, too. Positive interactions also enhance the resiliency of the relationship; they bolster the union so that it’s stronger and better able to weather periods of stress down the road.
Also keep in mind that being a supportive listener does not end with paying attention. Be active as you listen by asking questions that show your mate that you’re really interested.
It’s important to make sure your questions are relevant and well-timed (interrupting your partner’s enthusiastic explanation of events is a sure-fire way to dampen the spirit). Offer validating statements, such as, “You’ve spent so much time and energy on that project; you deserve to have your efforts pay off.” ; “I knew you could do it. I’m so happy for you! Tell me everything that happened.” These approaches help to deepen intimacy between you and your partner and send the message that you care about your partner’s experiences—from the big picture right down to the small details.
If you want to strengthen your relationship, heighten your awareness to all of the positive events your partner experiences. When s/he shares positive news, respond in a way that validates and recognizes his/her experience. When you actively validate the positive events in your partner’s life, you are building a more satisfying and resilient relationship.
Is your relationship worth protecting? Are you ready to make your marriage everything it can be?
Find out how to create the relationship of your dreams: Sign up for the free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter at http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and immediately receive two FREE reports that will help you achieve your relationship potential.
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship.