Doc:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We have lived together for 2 years and we get along fine. We have our times but not many of them. I do everything for him: cook, clean, and everything else a wife would do.
I love him very much but I want to start a family. I don't mean have kids right away, but for it to be just him and me for awhile. We share and do everything together. He just won't ask me to marry him and we have talked about it. He told me recently he has begun to think about it but I have been ready to get married for over a year.
Is there anyway I can get him to ask me or at least rush him along with the process? The whole idea now just gets me stressed because I can't imagine a world without him but he is a stubborn man who will do things in his own way and on his own time. How can I persuade him to take the plunge without coming out and being pushy?
Hello!
Is there a way? Sure there is. But, before I go into all of that, let me ask you a question: do you really care whether or not you have a good marriage? Is being married all you care about? If so, then, go find someone this next weekend that'll marry you. You seem like a nice girl and shouldn't have any problem finding someone that will marry you. Then, you'll be happy, right?
Of course not.
You're making a classic mistake in thinking that being married = happiness. You've probably spent many years even planning your wedding, imagining all of its details, etc. (most women do!) However, what's really important here is having a partner that WANTS to be with you and is READY to be with you. Simply hastening all of this isn't in your best interest. Marriage is difficult enough - even more difficult than living together. But, if you're willing to risk having a shitty marriage, just so long as you ARE married, continue reading.
Your choices come down to just a few things:
1) Threaten him. Tell him that you think it's been long enough and that you aren't going to spend any more time waiting for him to get ready. If he doesn't propose, you're going to leave him and go find someone else.
2) Pester him. Keep bringing it up and acting all sad and dejected when you go to someone else's wedding and tell him how miserable you are because you're not married. Remind him about all your friends that are either married, engaged or talking about marriage. Generally, make his life hell until he finally proposes to you.
3) Get pregnant - or at least claim to be. Maybe you can trick him into marrying you. However, if this backfires, you'll just be yet another single mother trying to make ends meet while someone else raises your kid.
4) Do nothing. Just mope and pout and when he asks you want's wrong, say "Oh - nothing!" and get angry. Mistreat him and when he has enough of it and demands to know what's wrong, just tell him that you had expected that he's "be a man" or something equally inciting and ask you to marry him.
5) Propose yourself. If you do this, don't be surprised if he turns you down.
What's that I hear? You say that you don't like any of these options or have tried one or more of them and they didn't work? I'm not surprised.
Actually, there's one more thing you can do and frankly, it's by far your best option. Talk to him; but don't do so in order to find out why he's not asking you to marry him. Instead, talk to him with some perspective behind you. Realize that he probably views marriage very differently than you do. He (like most men) likely sees marriage as responsibility, stress, loss of freedom, etc. - not all the positive things you see in it.
So, when you talk to him realize that you're trying to make discoveries. You're trying specifically to understand what he needs in order to take on this responsibility, stress and to lose his freedom. Really strive for understanding here. Don't assume anything. Learn exactly what he needs and wants in his life and what he'd trade to be married to someone.
Then, just be that woman.
Best regards...