Convincing yourself doesn't win an argument - learn to fight fair

Comedian Phyllis Diller once said, “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” Or another bit of her advice, “My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.” Depending on the situation, either strategy may help to resolve an argument or feelings of frustration.

Endless arguments over the same issues week after week, pushing each others buttons, will only end with the same problems, plus regret and resentment. Finances, children and the responsibilities of home and work are all common grievances couples fight over. Disagreements may not always be avoidable, but there will be fewer of them, if things are handled well. Fighting fair is not an oxymoron. You can learn to fight fair by practicing the following:

Priorities, Priorities, Priorities
If winning is more important than solving the problem, the issue will just continue to raise its ugly head. Your first priority must be to view the issue as a shared problem, as opposed to a competition with a winner and a loser. The goal should be to understand and respect each others perspective and come to an agreeable solution.

A Level Playing Field
Ridicule, humiliation, mocking and ‘just playing’ are tactics used to gain the upper hand to control the relationship by putting the other person ‘in their place’. Fair fighting only happens when both people are confident that they will be heard.

The Art of an Apology
It only takes two little words to begin healing the pain of a hurtful argument or an angry outburst. How you say “I’m sorry” is just as important as the words. Never say them unless you are sincere and regretful. If you’re coerced into apologizing just to make peace, the issue will not be resolved. It’s also important to remember that saying sorry is just the beginning. It takes effort, patience and tolerances to get past the hurt to healing.

Ground Rules
Whether you keep fighting to maintain your precarious "superior position" or to protest your "humble position", resolving conflict will respect require some ground rules, things you both agree you will and won’t do.

Explaining your position should never involve attacks or insults. It means you’ve run out of convincing arguments. A great quote by Margaret Thatcher says it all, “Name calling demonstrates a loss of control and destroys intimacy and trust. I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.”

Looking for someone to blame just detracts from the real issue. Own up to your part in the dispute and allow your partner to admit to their own. Pointing the finger will just lengthen the debate.

Loud and aggressive, threatening behavior shows an inability to restrain oneself. The only thing that it will accomplish is that you intimidate your partner, leaving the problem to fester. The deal breaker is any infliction of pain or even the threat of physical harm. A relationship will never survive having your personal space invaded in such a blatant way.