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Articles from Sam Vaknin | Selfgrowth.com
- Contracting With Your Abuser - by Submitted on Jan 08, 2008 from Sam VakninHow can one negotiate with an abuser without incurring his wrath? What is the meaning of contracts "signed" with bullies? How can one motivate the abuser to keep his end of the bargain – for instance, to actually seek therapy and attend the sessions? And how efficacious is psychotherapy or ...
Views: 946 - Reforming The Abuser - by Submitted on Jan 07, 2008 from Sam VakninHow to get your abuser to see reason in the first place? How to obtain for him the help he needs – without involving law enforcement agencies, the authorities, or the courts? Any attempt to broach the subject of the abuser's mental problems frequently ends in harangues and worse. It is ...
Views: 970 - Reconditioning The Abuser - by Submitted on Jan 02, 2008 from Sam VakninCan abusers be "reconditioned"? Can they be "educated" or "persuaded" not to abuse? As I wrote elsewhere, "Abuse is a multifaceted phenomenon. It is a poisonous cocktail of control-freakery, conforming to social and cultural norms, and latent sadism. The abuser seeks to subjugate his victims ...
Views: 934 - The Anomaly Of Abuse - by Submitted on Dec 18, 2007 from Sam VakninIs abuse anomalous – or an inevitable part of human nature? If the former – is it the outcome of flawed genetics, nurture (environment and upbringing) – or both? Can it be "cured" – or merely modified, regulated, and accommodated? There are three groups of theories – three schools – regarding ...
Views: 909 - Condoning Abuse - by Submitted on Dec 17, 2007 from Sam VakninStatistics show that intimate partner abuse, including domestic violence, has declined by one half in the last decade in the United States. Jay Silverman and Gail Williamson demonstrated in "Social Ecology and Entitlements Involved in Battering by Heterosexual College Males" (published in ...
Views: 874 - The Mind Of The Abuser - by Submitted on Dec 13, 2007 from Sam VakninTo embark on our exploration of the abusive mind, we first need to agree on a taxonomy of abusive behaviours. Methodically observing abuse is the surest way of getting to know the perpetrators. Abusers appear to be suffering from dissociation (multiple personality). At home, they are ...
Views: 1147 - The Dynamics Of Spousal Abuse - by Submitted on Dec 11, 2007 from Sam VakninImportant Comment Most abusers are men. Still, some are women. We use the masculine and feminine adjectives and pronouns ('he", his", "him", "she", her") to designate both sexes: male and female as the case may be. It takes two to tango – and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive ...
Views: 1090 - Restraining Orders and Peace Bonds - by Submitted on Dec 05, 2007 from Sam VakninIf you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement: Involve the courts whenever possible. In many countries, the first step is to obtain a restraining order from a civil court as part of your divorce or custody proceedings or as a ...
Views: 1479 - Getting Law Enforcement Authorities and the Police Involved - by Submitted on Dec 05, 2007 from Sam VakninIf you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement: Involve the police whenever possible. Report his crimes as soon as you can and make sure you retain a copy of your complaint. Your abuser counts on your fear of him and on your ...
Views: 973 - Planning and Executing Your Getaway - by Submitted on Dec 03, 2007 from Sam VakninDo not leave unprepared. Study and execute every detail of your getaway. This is especially important if your partner is violent. Be sure to make a Safety Plan – how to get out of the house unnoticed and the indispensable minimum items that you should carry with you, even on a short ...
Views: 815 - Domestic Violence Shelters - by Submitted on Nov 25, 2007 from Sam VakninShelters are run, funded, and managed either by governments or by volunteer non-government organisations. According to a 1999 report published by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, there are well over 2000 groups involved in sheltering abused women and their off-spring. Before ...
Views: 1080 - Getting Help - by Submitted on Nov 20, 2007 from Sam VakninThis article is meant to be a general guide to seeking and finding help. It does not contain addresses, contacts, and phone numbers. It is not specific to one state or country. Rather, it describes options and institutions which are common the world over. You should be the one to "fill in the ...
Views: 1058 - Coping With Stalking And Stalkers - by Submitted on Nov 19, 2007 from Sam VakninA Typology of Stalkers Stalkers are not made of one cloth. Some of them are psychopaths, others are schizoids, narcissists, paranoids, or an admixture of these mental health disorders. Stalkers harass their victims because they are lonely, or because it is fun (these are latent sadists), or ...
Views: 1048 - The Three Forms of Closure - by Submitted on Nov 16, 2007 from Sam VakninFor her traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires closure - one final interaction with her tormentor in which he, hopefully, acknowledges his misbehaviour and even tenders an apology. Fat chance. Few abusers - especially if they are narcissistic - are amenable to such weakling ...
Views: 849 - The Three Forms Of Closure - by Submitted on Nov 14, 2007 from Sam VakninFor her traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires closure - one final interaction with her tormentor in which he, hopefully, acknowledges his misbehaviour and even tenders an apology. Fat chance. Few abusers - especially if they are narcissistic - are amenable to such weakling ...
Views: 879 - Avoiding Your Paranoid Ex - by Submitted on Nov 05, 2007 from Sam VakninIf at all possible, put as much physical distance as you can between yourself and the stalker. Change address, phone number, email accounts, cell phone number, enlist the kids in a new school, find a new job, get a new credit card, open a new bank account. Do not inform your paranoid ex about ...
Views: 838 - How to Cope with Your Paranoid Ex - by Submitted on Oct 30, 2007 from Sam VakninYour abusive ex is likely to cope with the pain and humiliation of separation by spreading lies, distortions, and half-truths about you and by proffering self-justifying interpretations of the events leading to the break-up. By targeting your closest, nearest, and dearest – your family, ...
Views: 709 - The Relief of Being Abandoned - by Submitted on Oct 17, 2007 from Sam VakninThe dissolution of the abuser's marriage or other meaningful (romantic, business, or other) relationships constitutes a major life crisis and a scathing narcissistic injury. To soothe and salve the pain of disillusionment, he administers to his aching soul a mixture of lies, distortions, ...
Views: 979 - Tell Your Children The Truth - by Submitted on Oct 15, 2007 from Sam VakninMost victims attempt to present to their children a "balanced" picture of the relationship and of the abusive spouse. In a vain attempt to avoid the notorious (and controversial) Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), they do not besmirch the abusive parent and, on the contrary, encourage the ...
Views: 972 - Leveraging The Children - by Submitted on Oct 11, 2007 from Sam VakninThe abuser often recruits his children to do his bidding. He uses them to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate his target, the children's other parent or a devoted relative (e.g., grandparents). He controls his - often gullible and unsuspecting - offspring exactly as ...
Views: 1036 - Abuse By Proxy - by Submitted on Oct 08, 2007 from Sam VakninIf all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate ...
Views: 1489 - Ambient Abuse - by Submitted on Oct 04, 2007 from Sam VakninAmbient abuse is the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves, until it is too late. Ambient abuse penetrates and permeates everything – but is difficult to pinpoint and identify. It is ambiguous, atmospheric, diffuse. Hence ...
Views: 2247 - The Path to Abuse - by Submitted on Oct 02, 2007 from Sam VakninThe abuser mistreats only his closest – spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, and neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy – often with the active ...
Views: 949 - The Abuser's Body Language - by Submitted on Sep 26, 2007 from Sam VakninMany abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle – but discernible – warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself – and save yourself a lot of trouble! Abusers are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to ...
Views: 1405 - How To Spot An Abuser On Your First Date - by Submitted on Sep 26, 2007 from Sam VakninIs there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an abusive relationship? Imagine a first or second date. You can already tell if he is a ...
Views: 1086 - Avoiding Your Abuser - The Conflictive Posture - by Submitted on Sep 07, 2007 from Sam VakninThere is nothing special about the body language or behavior patterns of the abuser. If your abuser is a narcissist, his pathology is evident on first sight (read "How to Recognize a Narcissist"). But not all abusers are narcissists. Regrettably, most victims find themselves trapped long before ...
Views: 1250 - Avoiding Your Abuser - The Submissive Posture - by Submitted on Sep 06, 2007 from Sam VakninThere is nothing special about the body language or behavior patterns of the abuser. If your abuser is a narcissist, his pathology is evident on first sight (read "How to Recognize a Narcissist"). But not all abusers are narcissists. Regrettably, most victims find themselves trapped long before ...
Views: 1542 - The Abuser in Denial - by Submitted on Sep 04, 2007 from Sam VakninAbusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place – or rationalize their abusive behaviors. Denial is an integral part of the abuser's ability to "look at himself/herself in the mirror". There are many types of denial. When confronted by his victims, most abusers tend to shift blame or avoid the ...
Views: 1401 - The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim - by Submitted on Aug 29, 2007 from Sam VakninIt is telling that precious few psychology and psychopathology textbooks dedicate an entire chapter to abuse and violence. Even the most egregious manifestations – such as child sexual abuse – merit a fleeting mention, usually as a sub-chapter in a larger section dedicated to paraphilias or ...
Views: 2462 - The Gradations of Abuse - by Submitted on Aug 28, 2007 from Sam VakninIs sexual abuse worse than emotional abuse? Is verbal abuse less deleterious than physical abuse (beatings)? Somehow, the professional literature implies that there is a hierarchy with sexual mistreatment at its nadir. It is rare to hear about a dissociative identity disorder ("multiple ...
Views: 909 - The Depressive Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Aug 27, 2007 from Sam VakninNotes of first therapy session with Edward J., male, 51, diagnosed with Depressive Personality Disorder Edward has a lumbering, numbed presence. He walks as if in a dream, his gait robotic, his eyes downcast. Within minutes, it is abundantly clear to me that he is gloomy, dejected, pessimistic, ...
Views: 913(1 vote) - Victim Reaction to Abuse by Narcissists and Psychopaths - by Submitted on Aug 23, 2007 from Sam VakninPersonality disorders are not only all-pervasive, but also diffuse and shape-shifting. It is taxing and emotionally harrowing to watch how a loved one is consumed by these pernicious and largely incurable conditions. Victims adopt varying stances and react in different ways to the inevitable ...
Views: 1567 - Psychosis, Delusions, and Personality Disorders - by Submitted on Aug 22, 2007 from Sam VakninIntroduction to Psychosis Psychosis is chaotic thinking that is the result of a severely impaired reality test ( the patient cannot tell inner fantasy from outside reality). Some psychotic states are short-lived and transient (microepisodes). These last from a few hours to a few days and are ...
Views: 1079 - Empathy and Personality Disorders - by Submitted on Aug 20, 2007 from Sam VakninWhat is Empathy? Normal people use a variety of abstract concepts and psychological constructs to relate to other persons. Emotions are such modes of inter-relatedness. Narcissists and psychopaths are different. Their "equipment" is lacking. They understand only one language: self-interest. ...
Views: 1587 - The Paranoid Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Aug 16, 2007 from Sam VakninNotes of first therapy session with Dale G., male, 46, diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) Dale's first enquiry is whether I am in any way associated either with the government or with his former employer. He doesn't seem reassured by my negative response. He eyes me skeptically ...
Views: 1137 - The Psychopathic Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Aug 15, 2007 from Sam VakninNotes of first therapy session with Ani Korban, male, 46, diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder (AsPD), or Psychopathy and Sociopathy Ani was referred to therapy by the court, as part of a rehabilitation program. He is serving time in prison, having been convicted of grand fraud. The ...
Views: 1056 - The Narcissistic Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Aug 13, 2007 from Sam VakninNotes of first therapy session with Sam V., male, 43, diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Sam presents with anhedonia (failure to enjoy or find pleasure in anything) and dysphoria bordering on depression. He complains of inability to tolerate people's stupidity and ...
Views: 1372 - Misdiagnosing Personality Disorders as Eating Disorders - by Submitted on Aug 09, 2007 from Sam VakninThe Eating Disordered Patient Eating disorders - notably Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa - are complex phenomena. The patient with eating disorder maintains a distorted view of her body as too fat or as somehow defective (she may have a body dysmorphic disorder). Many patients with eating ...
Views: 976 - Misdiagnosing Personality Disorders as Anxiety Disorders - by Submitted on Aug 08, 2007 from Sam VakninWhat is Anxiety Anxiety is uncontrollable and excessive apprehension, a kind of unpleasant (dysphoric), mild fear, with no apparent external reason. Anxiety is dread in anticipation of a future menace or an imminent but diffuse and unspecified danger, usually imagined or exaggerated. The mental ...
Views: 895 - Misdiagnosing Personality Disorders as Asperger's Disorder - by Submitted on Aug 06, 2007 from Sam VakninPersonality disorders cannot be safely diagnosed prior to early adolescence. Still, though frequently found between the ages of 3 and 6, Asperger's Disorder is often misdiagnosed as a cluster B personality disorder, most often as the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The Asperger's ...
Views: 1424 - Misdiagnosing Personality Disorders as Bipolar I Disorder - by Submitted on Aug 01, 2007 from Sam VakninThe manic phase of the Bipolar I Disorder is often misdiagnosed as a Personality Disorder. In the manic phase of Bipolar Disorder, patients exhibit many of the signs and symptoms of certain personality disorders, such as the Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic, or even Schizotypal Personality ...
Views: 1412 - The Syphilitic Narcissist - by Submitted on Jul 31, 2007 from Sam VakninIt is common knowledge that brain disorders, injuries, and traumas are sometimes misdiagnosed as mental health problems. But what about "run of the mill" organic medical conditions? Syphilis provides a fascinating glimpse into the convoluted world of differential diagnoses: the art of telling ...
Views: 1057 - The Masochistic Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Jul 18, 2007 from Sam VakninDisclaimer The Masochistic personality disorder was included in the DSM III-TR but removed from the DSM IV and from its text revision, the DSM IV-TR. This move was criticized by some scholars, notably Theodore Millon. Notes of first therapy session with Sam, male, 46, diagnosed with ...
Views: 829 - The Negativistic (Passive-Aggressive) Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Jul 17, 2007 from Sam VakninDisclaimer The Negativistic (Passive-Aggressive) Personality Disorder appears in Appendix B of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), titled "Criteria Sets and Axes Provided for Further Study." Notes of first therapy session with Mike, male, 52, diagnosed with Negativistic ...
Views: 1757 - The Dependent Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Jul 16, 2007 from Sam VakninNotes of first therapy session with Mona, female, 32, diagnosed with Dependent Personality Disorder (or Codependence) "I know I won't actually die, but it often feels like it." - says Mona and nervously pats her auburn hair - "I can't live without him, that's for sure. When he is gone, it's ...
Views: 1320 - The Obsessive-Compulsive Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Jul 11, 2007 from Sam VakninNotes of therapy session with Magda, female, 58, diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) Magda is distressed when I reschedule our appointment. "But we always meet on Wednesdays!" - she pleads, ignoring my detailed explanations and my apologies. She is evidently anxious ...
Views: 2988 - The Schizotypal Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Jul 11, 2007 from Sam VakninNotes of first therapy session with El-Or (real name: George), male, 22, diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder El-Or's real name is George. He changed it as a result of an epiphany he experienced at the tender age of 9 when he encountered an alien spaceship in his back yard and "in ...
Views: 2537 - The Avoidant Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Jun 28, 2007 from Sam VakninNotes of first therapy session with Gladys, female, 26, diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder "I would like to be normal" - says Gladys and blushes purple. In which sense is she abnormal? She prefers reading books and watching movies with her elderly mother to going out with her ...
Views: 1158 - The Histrionic Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Jun 26, 2007 from Sam VakninNotes of first therapy session with Marsha, female, 56, diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder Marsha visibly resents the fact that I have had to pay attention to another patient (an emergency) "at her expense" as she puts it. She pouts and bats suspiciously long eyelashes at me: "Has ...
Views: 3197 - The Schizoid Patient - A Case Study - by Submitted on Jun 26, 2007 from Sam VakninNotes of first therapy session with Mark, male, 36, diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder Mark sits where instructed, erect but listless. When I ask him how he feels about attending therapy, he shrugs and mumbles "OK, I guess". He rarely twitches or flexes his muscles or in any way ...
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